Your Journey Home

Ever since I can remember, I've had anxiety. Even as a small child I can remember having fears, insecurities or doubts. This was just a part of Courtney and I didn't know any differently. Although it has always been a part of me, it's still one of the hardest things I've dealt with as a child, teen and into adulthood. BUT I NEVER knew panic attacks until I was dating the man I would eventually divorce (here's your sign.) But, I didn't understand what they were. I had heard of them before, but didn't know that's what I was experiencing. I thought I was just weird & tried my best to play it off and ignore it. I already thought I was defective enough as a woman, that these panic attacks just proved that even more in my mind. I already had low self worth, low self esteem and low confidence at this specific time in my life that these panic attacks just escalated those feelings for me.  Who in their right mind would want a girl that every single ...

When you grow up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and you dream of your future, it's always inside of one of the beautiful temples and its always a forever thing. You never imagine that one day you could be standing alone, in the dark, in a place you never thought you'd be. You never imagine that something that is supposed to last forever, doesn't. This is where I found myself in 2009. Just one short year after being sealed for time and all eternity. At the young age of 21.  Flash forward to last week.... as I was packing up my house I came across some paperwork from that dark time in my life. It brought back a flood of emotions and memories.... memories that aren't beautiful. Memories that hurt and that I allowed to cause me a lot of pain. It reminded me what a hard time that was for me. I've always felt like I've had to be a strong person, but this time in my life truly tried to take me down.  Sometimes in life it is the very dar...

To you, the person reading this:  Raise your hand if you've ever allowed fear to immobilize you and keep you from moving forward in life?  Raise your hand if you have ever allowed your fears to keep you from reaching your full potential? We all have fears , don't we? Last year, after my little boy was born, I really thought life could not be more perfect!  I had my two kids, they were healthy, they were happy... life was good.  Until a few weeks had passed and I became super sick.  I had some major health issues, including horrible pain in my back.  I just chalked it up to that, "I had probably tried to do too much" and went on my way.  Well, the pain not only didn't stop, it got progressively worse!  That's when I decided it was probably smart to head to my doctor.  They took a few quick tests.... to which the doctor basically came running back into me and said (in her own words), "If you do not get to the ER right now, you WILL die...

This time of year is so magical.  The sights, smells, lights, presents, family parties, Santa, wrapping paper and all the things that go along with the Christmas season are around us at every turn.  It is so easy to get caught up in the worldly celebration of the word, Christmas.  It's so easy to get caught up in giving and receiving gifts, eating yummy food and going to family parties.  But, what is not always easy about this time of year, is actually taking a step back and recognizing why it is that we celebrate Christmas. "To catch the real meaning of the 'spirit of Christmas' we need only drop the last syllable and it becomes 'The spirit of Christ'" Thomas S. Monson Anyone that truly knows me, knows I can be a bawl baby when it comes to the Gospel.  I have to pray really hard before I give a talk so that I don't cry through the whole thing.  But, truly thinking of the Savior, "being born in a lowly stable because there was no room f...

Today marks five years since my dear dad passed away.  Five years?! To say it's been an easy five years would be a complete lie.  But to say that the last five years have been completely miserable would be a lie, too.  I've experienced tender mercies of the Lord all along the way. Since it's been five years, I want to share five important lessons I've learned since my dads death. God loves us perfectly "Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely.  Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly.  Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely." - Dieter F Uchtdorf I often hear of people who, once something bad happens in their life,  blame everything on God.  They truly believe that if such a thing could happen in their life, then God must not love them.  I am here to tell you that that is a complete lie! I see how the easy way out for me would have been to believe that God didn't love me...

Ever since I can remember, I've been competitive in nature.  I loved to play in a good game of soccer or softball and experience that feeling to be the very best I could be, to prove what I could do.  I loved to run a race against my friends, and even if I didn't win, still feel the need to push myself to be the best I could possibly be.  I loved to plan, prepare and do the things I had been taught during practice and then to actually execute what I had learned during the game. When I was young, the two people I wanted to prove myself to were: my mom and my dad.  I wanted to be proud of my accomplishments and I wanted my parents to be proud of me.  Nothing mattered more to me than to make my parents proud.  Probably more than I cared about what I thought, as long as they were proud then that was enough. Many people like to say that being competitive is a bad thing, but I don't agree with that.  As I've grown older, I've learned through trial a...

  I love this quote by Theodore Roosevelt and have had a lot of thoughts in my head about why he would say such a thing...  Why is this quote so popular and why did he feel the need to say it? Well, It's because it happens all.of.the.time. Many people feel the need to constantly compare their lives to others. Comparison can come in all shapes and sizes.  People will compare how to properly parent, how to look good, how to take care of a home, how to have a good relationship, how to work, how to play, how to cook, how to be religious, how to clean and just about everything you can possibly think of. Comparison is toxic. It only leads to one of two things:  1.  Judgements towards the people around you who do not deserve it.  & 2.  Negative feelings about yourself that should not be there. Therefore, Comparison IS the thief of joy.  There is no way we can have joy in our lives when we are comparing our lives to others...

Everyone handles trials differently.  There is no one size fits all for a trial... and each person will go through different challenges, trials and hard times throughout their time in mortality.  There is so much that goes into a specific trial for a specific person that we just can't know FULLY what they are going through.  We can definitely try to understand, but we just won't know exactly what they are going through until we walk a mile in their shoes. I am very open about some of my trials I have faced, because I truly believe that being open may help others along the way.  I am very open about my trials because I have gained a firm and unshakable testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ due to some of the trials I have faced.  I am very open about my trials because I want to share my testimony of the Atonement and the miracles I have seen in my life because of it. I am very open about my trials because I am grateful in many aspects for the trials I hav...

God did not send us here to earth to fail.  He sent us here because he knew of our potential and knew who we could become. He gives us trials to refine us, to bring us closer to him and to cause us to seek His loving guidance. Everyone's life has a different story.  A different start, middle and ending.   From the time I can remember, my dad had suffered with Crohns disease.  {For those of you who haven't heard of it or don't know what it is, look it up.}  This was a huge trial on my family.  He had the absolute worst of it all.  Think of having constant cramps in your stomach, every day all day.  What manner of living would that cause you to want to have?  I know that when I have cramps of any kind, all I want to do is lay down and do absolutely nothing. There were a few times where he probably should have died.  Like when his liver started hardening, and after much fasting, prayer and priesthood blessings he miraculou...

I loved the movie "Meet the Mormons" that recently came out in theaters. I especially love the song that David Archuleta sings called "Glorious" that gives me goosebumps. What I love the most about this movie is a quote by the "Humanitarian" that says: "I am perfect in one thing, I am perfect in trying."  This is how I feel as well. There are days where I try so hard and despite my efforts fall short, there are days that I try so hard and things fall perfectly into place just the way I had imagined. No matter the outcome, what's important is that I keep trying. A few months back I wrote a post called "Perfectionism" and the struggle I face almost daily.  I feel like because of social media, people get a wrong idea of our lives. Most people only post the best things happening in their lives and leave out all the hard, negative moments that we each face daily. It's easy to play the game of comparison and wonder why everyone else h...

I believe dreams can be a gift from God. I truly believe that God sometimes blesses us with answers to prayers in the form of a dream. I have had many dreams about my dad since he passed away, but two that have REALLY stood out to me.  They are so vivid..... every color, fiber and particle of the dream is enhanced one hundred fold. I'm not going to go into all the specifics of my dreams, because they are very personal and spiritual to me.  But, a piece of one of the dreams has stood out to me for some time and I've felt the need to share. Part of the dream went like this: I pulled up to a mall (could be described as something close to the Gateway mall).  I wasn't really sure why I was there, but I looked out my front window of my car and noticed my dad.  But, he didn't notice me.  He was pushing one of those big trash carts.  While he was pushing the cart, he would open each garbage can along the sidewalk and throw whatever trash was inside each g...

The other day as I was driving down the freeway, minding my own business, a car came barreling up behind me.  The car got right close up to my back bumper and swerved around me at the last minute and then proceeded to lay on the horn.  As the car drove past me, I looked over to see who could be so angry and to my surprise, I saw a really darling looking girl in the drivers seat.  While she looked darling, she had the most disgusting scowl on her face and was screaming something at me from where she was sitting.  I honestly was in shock, I couldn't believe that she was really so upset at me that I was in the right hand lane, going the speed limit, and she had to go around me. I was kind of bugged there for a minute, like really bugged.  To the point I wanted to yell something back at her just to make myself feel better.  Then I got to thinking... I shouldn't take it personal.  She is probably having a bad day.  She is probably stressed.  ...

Keep in mind:  This is very personal for me, but it was quite therapeutic to write this all down and to share with others. I hope that by me sharing it can help at least one person out there. There have been a few points in my life where I have really needed to make a big choice.   This isn’t just the little choices or decisions we all make on a daily basis, but a big choice.   Over the last what seems like couple years I have really struggled with something… something that has consumed my thoughts and actions.   Something that has crippled me at times, which has made me not want to even leave my house.   I am learning that many people out there struggle with this same thing called “perfectionism.”   This isn’t the perfectionism that we all think of, but more of a deep, dark pit of despair that I found myself in. I was such a perfectionist that I was never good enough for myself.   I’d look in the mirror and something wa...

I haven't been able to stop crying today. No, not because of my pregnancy hormones or because I got hurt. But, because of the Boston bombings.   I don't know or understand how someone would want to cause so much harm to another person. We live in a scary world.  One with people who are lost and get swayed by the adversary to do awful things. It scares me, but then I remember that I don't need to fear. "I tell you these things because of your prayers; wherefore, treasure up wisdom in your bosoms, lest the wickedness of men reveal these things unto you by their wickedness, in a manner which shall speak in your ears with a voice louder than that which shall shake the earth; but if ye are prepared ye shall not fear." D&C 38:30 It's safe to say we live in the last days, and we have the scriptures to tell us what things will come to pass.  We know that they are around us everyday.  I know that if we are striving to do what is right, then w...

Hello!! We have been busy the last little while. We've merged two businesses, moved to a new house, took a trip to Arizona, moving along with pregnancy and I've been trying to keep up on my 17 credits at Weber. Needless to say I haven't been a very happy or fun person to be around ;) but... things are starting to calm down and fall into place. We are loving our new house in Roy! It's been an adjustment but will be so fun to bring a baby home to. The last week of March and Easter weekend, we took a trip to Arizona to see some of our great friends get sealed in the Mesa temple. While there we were able to spend time with my mom and Shon as well. We were able to go to eat, watch movies, attend church and enjoy our friends and family in the amazing Arizona weather. I am now at 18 weeks of pregnancy. I can't believe it... It's flown but at the same time gone so slow. We went last week to find out the gender, but the baby was being shy and the umbilical cord was...

I decided it was time to start updating my blog concerning the little sweetheart that is growing inside of me. It has been such a fun experience! Justin & I decided before we even got married that we wanted to wait a while to try having kids. We made the goal of waiting for 2 years, (with me begging lots of times and him holding to the original deal)... which I am actually grateful for. I am so incredibly happy for the time Justin & I spent together, JUST US. I know that isn't everyone's plan, but for us it was what we needed. We were able to vacation together, do things spur of the moment, start a business and get to know each other without the whole kid thing getting in the way. I was able to learn and grow in many aspects including mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally and I think if I would have had kids any earlier I wouldn't have been as prepared and I know the timing is just perfect for us. I have kept some notes of what has gon...