When panic attacks set in.

Ever since I can remember, I've had anxiety.

Even as a small child I can remember having fears, insecurities or doubts. This was just a part of Courtney and I didn't know any differently. Although it has always been a part of me, it's still one of the hardest things I've dealt with as a child, teen and into adulthood.

BUT I NEVER knew panic attacks until I was dating the man I would eventually divorce (here's your sign.) But, I didn't understand what they were. I had heard of them before, but didn't know that's what I was experiencing. I thought I was just weird & tried my best to play it off and ignore it. I already thought I was defective enough as a woman, that these panic attacks just proved that even more in my mind. I already had low self worth, low self esteem and low confidence at this specific time in my life that these panic attacks just escalated those feelings for me. 

Who in their right mind would want a girl that every single day starts to see tunnel vision, has uncontrollable sweating & gets bright red in her face and cannot focus?? These panic attacks started happening very frequently.

Well, instead of finding out the root of the problem.... I tried to hold as tight as I could to this relationship because in my mind, this was as good as it was going to get. No one would want someone like this.... because "I'm a broken mess." 

Looking back now, it was obvious that something was just not right. This was just not the right thing, but in my mind as a young 20 year old.... this was as good as life was getting. Even though deep down inside me somewhere, I knew that I was made for more than this, at this point in time, I ignored that feeling.

After the marriage, the panic attacks never really got better. Looking back now, I see that my body was trying to tell me something that my mind was refusing to accept. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. And about 6 months in, I found out that that was the truth. 

Eventually after the divorce, these panic attacks began to subside little by little.

I know, without a doubt that in one of the weakest times in my entire life that I was led by an all knowing God. I know this because I prayed THE HARDEST I had ever prayed up to this point in my life at what I should do?! I was broken, afraid and had no one to talk to. I was having panic attacks, anxiety and fears because once again "THIS IS NOT RIGHT"... yet God stood with me. He guided me through the mess & eventually helped me get out of it. He was right there all along with His mighty hand outstretched saying:

28 ¶ Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I listened to Him, I was teachable & humble.... I grabbed onto His hand and held on for dear life. Little did I know what He had in store for me.