What he's been up to....

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21 and divorced.

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When you grow up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and you dream of your future, it's always inside of one of the beautiful temples and its always a forever thing. You never imagine that one day you could be standing alone, in the dark, in a place you never thought you'd be. You never imagine that something that is supposed to last forever, doesn't. This is where I found myself in 2009. Just one short year after being sealed for time and all eternity. At the young age of 21.  Flash forward to last week.... as I was packing up my house I came across some paperwork from that dark time in my life. It brought back a flood of emotions and memories.... memories that aren't beautiful. Memories that hurt and that I allowed to cause me a lot of pain. It reminded me what a hard time that was for me. I've always felt like I've had to be a strong person, but this time in my life truly tried to take me down.  Sometimes in life it is the very dar...
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Competitive

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Ever since I can remember, I've been competitive in nature.  I loved to play in a good game of soccer or softball and experience that feeling to be the very best I could be, to prove what I could do.  I loved to run a race against my friends, and even if I didn't win, still feel the need to push myself to be the best I could possibly be.  I loved to plan, prepare and do the things I had been taught during practice and then to actually execute what I had learned during the game. When I was young, the two people I wanted to prove myself to were: my mom and my dad.  I wanted to be proud of my accomplishments and I wanted my parents to be proud of me.  Nothing mattered more to me than to make my parents proud.  Probably more than I cared about what I thought, as long as they were proud then that was enough. Many people like to say that being competitive is a bad thing, but I don't agree with that.  As I've grown older, I've learned through trial a...
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When panic attacks set in.

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Ever since I can remember, I've had anxiety. Even as a small child I can remember having fears, insecurities or doubts. This was just a part of Courtney and I didn't know any differently. Although it has always been a part of me, it's still one of the hardest things I've dealt with as a child, teen and into adulthood. BUT I NEVER knew panic attacks until I was dating the man I would eventually divorce (here's your sign.) But, I didn't understand what they were. I had heard of them before, but didn't know that's what I was experiencing. I thought I was just weird & tried my best to play it off and ignore it. I already thought I was defective enough as a woman, that these panic attacks just proved that even more in my mind. I already had low self worth, low self esteem and low confidence at this specific time in my life that these panic attacks just escalated those feelings for me.  Who in their right mind would want a girl that every single ...
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