Perfectionism

Keep in mind:  This is very personal for me, but it was quite therapeutic to write this all down and to share with others. I hope that by me sharing it can help at least one person out there.

There have been a few points in my life where I have really needed to make a big choice.  This isn’t just the little choices or decisions we all make on a daily basis, but a big choice. 

Over the last what seems like couple years I have really struggled with something… something that has consumed my thoughts and actions.  Something that has crippled me at times, which has made me not want to even leave my house.  I am learning that many people out there struggle with this same thing called “perfectionism.”  This isn’t the perfectionism that we all think of, but more of a deep, dark pit of despair that I found myself in.

I was such a perfectionist that I was never good enough for myself.  I’d look in the mirror and something was always wrong.  Whether it be my weight, my puffy eyes, the bump on my nose etc. etc. etc...  I’d always find something to criticize myself about.  There was never a positive thought at all about my appearance because it wasn’t “perfect.”  I didn’t know how to just love myself for who I was, despite the little flaws that we all have.

No chore I performed ever quite met my standard.  The baseboards were always screaming my name for a cleaning.  I’d get involved in these super deep cleaning tasks almost on a daily basis because I couldn’t handle the dust.  I would start neglecting the little tasks, like laundry, dishes or a toilet scrub all because I was into such a deep cleaning and organizing mode.  So when I’d finish with the baseboards and look around, I’d see nothing but a mess and feel discouraged that nothing I ever did was perfect or good enough. Why couldn’t I just do it all, all the time??

I was such a perfectionist that trying to work and go to school was a nightmare.  I mean I did both and many people would say, “Wow look at all you are doing!!”  But inside I was always thinking, “Man I can’t spend as much time as I want on both things, therefore I am not doing it perfectly enough for my standards.”  I was doing great things, but it still just wasn’t quite good enough.

I felt I was definitely a horrible wife and mother.  I wasn't giving my husband the much needed attention on a daily basis.  I wasn't cooking him three meals a day and I definitely wasn't doing all I needed to make him feel loved and appreciated (or so I thought.)  I wasn't being the perfect mom that I always had in my mind.  It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be and it wasn't the picture perfect time I had always imagined. 

I was such a perfectionist, that even though I was attending my church meetings, praying, reading and trying to follow the commandments, I just never felt like I was quite doing enough when it came to spirituality.  Every day I found something that I was doing just horribly and beating myself up about it.  Even though in many people’s eyes, I was probably doing pretty well.

This list could go on and on, but these examples are enough to explain how deep I had gotten into this perfectionist mindset.  I don’t really know how it all started, or if I’ve always been more inclined to being this way, but it was eating me alive.  I was so negative about myself, that I just started feeling like crap.  I felt like I was the lowest thing that had ever been on the face of the earth.  I wasn’t being there for the things that really mattered the most, which was my family.

Being a perfectionist made me not want to keep trying at times, because time and time again, nothing I did was quite good enough.  So, I started to be the opposite of perfectionist, and I just didn’t care about anything and nothing was getting done.   

I woke up one morning feeling the lowest I had ever felt. I knew I didn’t want to be a perfectionist, but I also didn’t want to just do nothing either.  I knew something needed to change. I just didn’t know what was so wrong with me or why I was having these feelings about myself.  I was in tears most of the morning, folding laundry, feeling so low.  I decided to pour my heart out this same morning to my Heavenly Father to ask for some direction, some help and some major peace.  The answers to my prayers didn’t come until the following Sunday just a few days later, but they were a total answer to many of the questions and feelings I had for the past few years.  Why had I been stubborn for so long and not asked my Heavenly Father for help a lot earlier?  Why had I thought I could just do everything all by myself?  Sometimes this is the way we learn.  We can all teach about the power of prayer and of asking for help on Sunday to our Young Women class or whatever we teach, but we for some reason don’t think it applies to us.

It was time to make a choice. 

The following Sunday went like this:

Me: “Justin, I’m not going to church today.  Baylee is sleeping and there’s no point in trying to wake her up to get her ready while she is sleeping.  Plus, I’ll just be in the hall the whole time.”

Justin: “All right, whatever you feel like doing.”

….5 minutes later & feeling mighty guilty. (Mind you this was 10 minutes before church was starting.)

Me: “Okay actually I think I’m going to go, I’ll just wake her up real quick and go to sacrament.”

Justin: “I’m glad you made the right decision!!”

As I got to church, I found out it was Ward Conference and my Bishop would be speaking that day.  I was kind of in and out of listening until he stood up to speak and his words hit me like a thousand bricks.

I don't remember his EXACT words, but what he said went something like this....

Bishop: “This world is a good world, and God sees it that way.”

Justin looked at me with a grin and said, “I’ll take Baylee out, I can tell this is something you’re going to need to listen to.”

Bishop: “Quit confusing Perfectionism with Righteousness, all God expects us to do in life is to KEEP TRYING.  Sometimes he gives us trials to see if we will KEEP TRYING, sometimes it really is nothing more than to see if we will continue to persevere no matter what trials or ailments we face in this life.  We are never going to be perfect in this life; the only perfect person was the Savior.  If we will just try our best, he will make up the rest.”

He continued…

“You are good enough, He loves you, He is proud of you.  The fact that you are sitting in this room is a great sign.  Quit beating yourself up, and realize this life is hard but that doesn’t mean you should give up trying.”

I knew he was speaking to me.  I felt like I was the only person in the room.  I know Satan was trying to get me to stay home that day, because he wanted me to continue to feel worthless and like crap.  He tried his very best to get me to stay home, but you know what I had a victory against him that day, because I went.  I would have missed out on the opportunity to receive the answer that day.

I was in tears; I knew that that simple message in my Bishops talk was a total and complete answer to my prayers.  I knew without a doubt that my Heavenly Father knows me, loves me and cares about my itty-bitty problems that I face.  

I knew in that moment that something had to change. 

I needed to rely on the atonement more in my life.  Yes, the atonement is there for me in all my problems whether large or small that I face in this life.  Even for my problem with perfectionism.  I began to realize that what I need to do is not try to be perfect but to always try my best, and sometimes (well most of the time) I’ll fall short of that “perfect” point that I am aiming for, but my Savior is always there to make up that difference.  Sometimes that difference may be HUGE but other times it may just be a little short.  How amazing is that?  It was a “aha” moment for me in my life. 

Learning this has helped me learn to “Live in the moment.”

I have been able to enjoy life more.  I have been able to enjoy the simple daily moments that I am blessed with.  I have been able to enjoy my sweet baby without feeling like the house needs a good cleaning. I have been able to make a meal and think that it actually was pretty good.  I have been able to eat better and if I sometimes cheat and eat a snack, not beat myself up over that either.  Because it just doesn’t matter.  All the little things don’t matter, what matters is that you keep trying.  That you love what matters most, and what matters most is your faith, family and friends.  All the other stuff just doesn’t matter, and it’s all “small stuff” really.

My hero of a dad used to say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff”

It’s time to learn to love us.  No, that doesn’t mean we are self-centered and think we are all amazing like, but it means we respect ourselves for all we have done, are doing and will do. 

I’m slowly learning how to love myself.  It will take some time, but it will come.